The last couple of months I find myself writing in my diary more and more that I’m feeling out of sorts. It doesn’t matter what’s going on in my life, whether I’ve gone on holiday, been to a festival, gotten a new job, on the inside there’s this dull sensation of feeling lost and confused.
I’m used to occasions like these. I’ve always had them even as a small child. They come and they go, usually. This bout is more prolonged than usual and it’s really starting to tick me off.
It’s awful to not be able to be happy, to have things happen that should fill you full of joy completely go over your head in an emotional sense.
The past couple of weeks have been the worst. I can’t concentrate on my work. I constantly feel drained. I don’t feel like doing anything that I would usually do and the thought of being around other people fills me with dread.
I know this feeling will go but with it it will have taken 2 months of my year that I can’t have back. It may have damaged my work and hurt my relationships and I can’t stand it.
Depression rides into town like a tornado, knocks things about and then leaves. I’m used to it but I’m not at the same time. I know it’s going to happen. That no matter how well things are going for me it could strike and take the wind out of my sails. I know it’s going to happen but I don’t ever want it to. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older but still never gone completely. It will probably never be gone completely unfortunately. All I can do is figure out the best way to manage the sad times. That even if I can’t make myself feel happy that I can make myself feel ok. Ok enough to get through it until I can feel happy again.
Right now I’m just trying to find the ok for this situation. Maybe my ok this time will be blogging about it or reading the new book I bought. I don’t know what it is yet but if I try enough things I’m bound to happen upon the cure or the dullness will have passed and I can get back to normal or at least my version of it.
For anyone feeling depressed or overwhelmed and needing help/info see ReachOut : ReachOut Website